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Kiss'n Tell/Episode transcript
(Zelda is riding her horse through the woods. She is carrying a picnic basket.)
Zelda: That lazy Link! He said he'd go riding with me this morning and he's still asleep. Well phooey on him. I'll have fun by myself.
Female Voice: Heeeelp me!
Zelda: And maybe an adventure! Link'll be sorry he missed out.
(She turns her horse around and finds a three-headed Gleeok trapping a girl against a rock.)
Zelda: Real sorry! Beautiful girls in trouble are what he lives for.
Gleeok Head 1: What a scrumptious morsel.
Gleeok Head 2: Darling, you look good enough to... eat. Mmmm.
Girl: Oh I am lost! Will no handsome hero save me from this three-headed freak?
Gleeok: Hey! Watch the insults will ya? (another head) Yeah, that's not in the script!
Girl: I am getting into the part. (shouts) Will no-one save me?
(Zelda throws an apple and hits one of the Gleeok's heads.)
Gleeok Head 1: Well, look who's here.
Gleeok Head 3: Wrong one. We wanted Link.
Gleeok Head 2: Improvise...
(All heads blow fire at Zelda.)
Zelda: Back off, Gleeok! (she throws another fruit into the middle head's mouth.)
Gleeok Head 2: Oh. Grapefruit gives me heartburn. (the two outside heads blow more fire at Zelda.) See what I mean?
Zelda: Eat these lemons, sourpuss! (She throws two lemons into the mouths of the outside heads.)
Gleeok Head 2: Hey, no fair!
Girl: Uh, this is all wrong. Beautiful maidens are supposed to be rescued by handsome heroes, not other beautiful maidens.
Zelda: Well hey, pardon me! (She attacks the Gleeok with the rest of the fruit and runs over to the girl.) Come on!
Girl: No! I want to be rescued by a handsome hero.
Link: Somebody call me?
Girl: My handsome hero! It's about time you got here.
Zelda: It's about time he got up.
Gleeok Head 1: Ah! He's here at last. Ganon's plan is working perfectly.
Gleeok Head 2: Nail him!
(Link jumps onto the middle head.)
Gleeok Head 3: Toast him!
(Link jumps as the two outside ones blow fire and they burn the middle head)
Gleeok Head 2: Hey!
(Link lands back on the middle head, and zaps the two outer ones away.)
Gleeok Head 2: Ha! Serves em right!
Link: Now for you!
Gleeok: Oh no way!
(Link falls down and grabs the tail.)
Link: Ha, Got you now Gleeok!
Gleeok: Oh no, I got you!
(Gleeok starts chasing its tail with Link hanging on.)
Girl: My, he's so brave.
Zelda: (Eating a banana, looking bored) Yeah, yeah, but let's get this over with.
(Zelda throws the banana peel on the ground, and the Gleeok slips and falls over. Link zaps it.)
Gleeok: Oh well. Did my part. (Disappears.)
Link: That'll teach him to quit while he's got a head! (Turns and bows to the girl.) I am Link, professional zapper of dragons and rescuer of fair maidens.
Zelda: Give me a break.
Girl: Oh you saved me, my handsome hero. Please let me give you a kiss to show my gratitude.
Zelda: Oh boy.
Link: Now that's what I like to hear! Pay attention, Princess. You could learn something.
(Zelda pokes her tongue out and turns her back.)
Girl: My hero!
(Link and the girl kiss. There is a bright flash. Zelda turns around.)
(Link is now a frog, and he is holding a Gibdo mummy.)
Link: Jealous, Zelda? (He turns and sees the Gibdo and pushes her away)
Gibdo: What's the matter Link? You don't like my charms anymore? (Laughs) You fell for it! Ganon's plan worked perfectly.
(Link reaches for his sword and sees his frog hands)
Link: Huh? My hands! They're all weird.
Zelda: Wait til you seet the rest of you. Let's go for a spin, Gibdo! (She pulls the Gibdo's bandages and defeats it)
(at the Underworld)
Ganon: Excellent. You've done well me servants. Link has been transformed into a frog. (laughs) And with Link rendered practically useless, Zelda will be at my mercy. Now I will put the rest of my plan into action. When I return, Zelda will be with me. And Link will be gone forever! (Teleports away)
(at the overworld)
Zelda: Brace yourself. You're not a pretty sight.
(Link looks at his relection in a pond of water and gasps)
Link: No! That's not me! Tell me it's not true, Zelda. (begins to cry)
Link: I'll never be able to face anyone again. I'm a monster.
Zelda: I've seen worse! Hey, you still have me. I'll always be your friend. (She hugs Link)
Link: Thank you, Zelda.
(Ganon is hiding, watching them)
Ganon: Ah how sickeningly sweet. Enough mush, I've waited long enough for this moment.
(Ganon zaps Link and Zelda apart)
Ganon: Let's see you hop, Frogface.
(He zaps Link, forcing him to jump up out the way, and he hits his head on a tree branch. Zelda trips over a tree root and is grabbed by a giant Octorok.)
Zelda: Ganon, you fiend! Leave him alone! Haven't you done enough?
Ganon: Of course not. (He summons two red spiders, Deelers.) You, take care of him. And you, my dear, are coming with me. (laughs)
Link: (Opens his eyes and sees the Deelers) Yum! (He eats them with his long tongue, and then suddenly realizes) What did I just do? Ugh, I ate two red Deelers. Yucko. I don't think I can handle this frog lifestyle.
(Back at the castle, Spryte is in Link's room looking for him)
Spryte: Link? Are you there? I guess he went riding after all. Maybe I'll clean things up while I'm here.
Link: Spryte. It's me. No, don't look at me.
Spryte: Why not? What's the matter?
Link: Ganon put a spell on me. Prepare yourself for a shock.
Spryte: Ah! You're a frog!
Link: And Ganon's got Zelda! Will you help me, Spryte?
(A fly flies past, and Link eats it with his tongue)
Spryte: Ah! That's a lethal weapon you have there. Keep it away from me.
Link: Sorry. I can't help it. Frog instinct.
Spryte: That's what worries me. So, what's the plan?
Triforce of Wisdom: When one's in need of Sage advice, one must seek out the one who's wise.
Link: Yeah. Like who?
Triforce of Wisdom: The Witch of Walls will help you best, to find her you must make a quest. Seek the wall that has no end, beneath the bough that can not bend.
Link and Spryte: Huh?
(Outside, Link and Spryte are following a wall)
Spryte: The Triforce said, 'Seek the wall that has no end.'
Link: This is the only long wall I know of in all of Hyrule. But it ends right up there.
Spryte: No, it doesn't! See, it goes into the ground.
Link: Wow, you're right! But where are we going to find a bough that does not bend?
Spryte: Right here.
(Link is startled and jumps up, hitting his head on the tree above)
Spryte: That's an ironwood tree. You can't bend it, no matter how hard you try.
Link: That's it. Now all I have to do is find this Witch of Walls.
Witch of Walls: You called?
(An ugly old witch emerges from the wall)
Spryte: What is this? Ugly people day?
Witch: Buzz off, fairy, or I'll use you for bait!
Link: I'll handle this, Spryte, thanks.
Link: Er, sorry to disturb you, ma'am, but Ganon put this spell on me and I gotta get back to my old self. Can you help me?
Witch: Hm. Yes. Ganon may have his faults, but he does do the classics well. The cure is simple. You must be kissed by a Princess, of her own free will.
Link: You call that simple? You know how long I've been trying to get Zelda to kiss me? And that was when I didn't look like a frog.
Witch: I said the cure was simple, I didn't say it was easy! Now begone with you! I must return to my wall.
Link: I sure hope Zelda will do it. I don't want to be a frog forever!
(at the Underworld)
Ganon: Your father will pay dearly to get you back. The price? One Triforce of Wisdom. And perhaps a little kiss.
Zelda: (Tied up) Try it and you'll lose some teeth, Pigface. Besides your plan will never work. Link will rescue me. He always does, it's his job.
Ganon: Link? He's spider food by now.
(Link is crawling along under a pathway in Ganon's lair)
Link: Did you hear that laugh?
Spryte: Y-yes. Ganon!
Link: Come on. We've gotta find where he's keeping Zelda. (He eats another fly)
Spryte: (Screams) Stop that! Making me nervous.
Link: Uh, sorry. I missed lunch.
Ganon: What? Don't tell me Link is here. Even as a frog he causes trouble. Don't go away. I'll return. (He leaves to look for Link)
Zelda: Don't go away he says. Like I have any choice.
Ganon: Come out, hero. You cannot hide from me!
Link: This way. (He zaps through a door and finds Zelda) Zelda, are you okay?
Zelda: So far. Quick, cut me loose. (Link does so) Thank goodness you're here.
Link: Thank goodness YOU'RE here! You're the only one that can make me human again.
Spryte: (Giggles) Oh boy, this is going to be good.
Link: You have to kiss me. Please? A princess's kiss is the only cure.
Zelda: Well, if it's the only way... Well then of course I will.
(Ganon zaps Link and knocks him away)
Ganon: Sorry, I like him the way he is. And you, princess, are still my prisoner!
Zelda: Not if I can help it, Ganon.
Spryte: Oh Link, you poor thing. You've had such a hard day.
(Spryte kisses Link on the cheek, and he is transformed back to normal)
Link: Ha. I'm me again! Take THIS, Ganon! (He zaps a tapetry above Ganon and it falls down and covers him)
Ganon: Blast it, Link!
Link: Good idea!
(He zaps a hole in the ground below Ganon and makes him fall through)
Zelda: Ganon's gone.
Link: He'll teleport back as soon as he gets his wits together. We gotta get out of here!
(He blasts a hole in the wall and jumps through with Zelda, and they run away. Ganon has just teleported back after they are gone)
Ganon: Oooh I'll get you, Link! I'll get you yet!
(Link and Zelda are walking along a path back to the castle with Spryte)
Link: You know, one thing I don't get is the wall witch told me I had to be kissed by a princess to get cured. But Spryte's kiss did it.
Spryte: Naturally. My father was the king of the fairies, you know. That makes ME a princess!
Link: Well believe me, I'm glad I'm not a frog anymore.
Zelda: I'm glad too. And thanks for rescuing me. You still want a kiss?
Link: You bet! Oh boy!
(As Zelda is about to kiss Link, a fly buzzes past and Link catches and eats it and then starts gagging)
Zelda: Ugh. Never mind!
Link: It was an accident! An old reflex.
Zelda: I'm grossed! (walks away)
Link: Aw, come on, Zelda. I didn't mean to. Old habits die hard, come on!